Jesse & Wilder's Guide To Life

When I was a little kid, my big thing was, “wishing there were cereal versions of my favorite movies”.  This is why when I was seven years old, all I wanted was an Air Force One breakfast cereal.
*Note – I am a genius*

Why am I telling you these embarrassing things?  Good question.  I have no idea.

It’s a dangerous art, ranking cereal, but a man can only take so many years of hearing people say hurtful things like, “Cookie Crisp is a good cereal” and, “I don’t really like Frosted Flakes” before he just can’t take it anymore.

Opening statements:
– I looked at an extremely reliable source for a list of all breakfast cereals.
– Yes I am a cereal expert, thanks for asking.
– Just sit tight and zip your lid until I’m done.

Cereals I’ve had, ranked:

• Wheaties

Ranking: 37
Can you eat it without milk: No reason to, and probably isn’t good
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Not really
Potential: 0
Special Notes: Michael Jordan probably eats this just as often as he plays basketball with Bugs Bunny.  WHICH IS ALL THE TIME!

• Shredded Wheat

Ranking: 36
Can you eat it without milk: Absolutely not
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Not really
Does it look like a gross, wicker pillow: Yes
Potential: 1, if you frost it
Special Notes: Shredded Wheat is very awful and has no fun characters associated with it.

• OREO O’s

Ranking: 35
Can you eat it without milk: Just get a real OREO, you jabronie
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: A million billion
Special Notes: OREO O’s rank amongst the biggest disappointments of my life.  OREOs are great.  OREOs and milk are greater.  So I have no clue why the people at OREO decided to make these tiny little bullshit chocolate and “creme filling” speckled nuggets and call them OREOs.  It makes no sense.  Also, it contains a typo in the title.

• Frosted Mini-Wheats

Ranking: 34
Can you eat it without milk: Reasonably well
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Does it have a delightful mascot:  Yes
Potential: Decent
Special Notes: They’ve figured out that frosting it is the way to go, but no matter how much frosting you stick on it, it still tastes like a pile of sticks.

• Kix

Ranking: 33
Can you eat it without milk: Not a chance
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Low-Medium
Potential: Extremely low
Special Notes: The “kid-tested” slogan has always been terrifying to me, because it sounds like they’ve locked kids in a basement and force-fed them Kix until they said they liked it.

• Chex

Ranking: 32
Can you eat it without milk: Yes, and it’s much better
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: Low
Special Notes: Just grab a bag of Chex Mix and shut your mouth.

• Cookie Crisp

Ranking: 31
Can you eat it without milk: If you do, you’re a moron
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Kind of
Potential: Extremely high
Special Notes: This was another huge disappointment in my life.  Not only is Cookie Crisp not as good as it should be, it’s very awful.  You’re better off just pouring a bunch of Famous Amos cookies into a bowl and slurpin’ it down.

• Raisin Bran

Ranking: 30
Can you eat it without milk: I imagine it wouldn’t be much different than trail mix
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Low-Medium
Does it have a very confusing mascot: Yes
Potential: Low
Special Notes: I don’t like raisins so it doesn’t say much for the bran that the raisins are much better.

• Corn Pops

Ranking: 29
Can you eat it without milk: No
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Medium-High
Potential: Nonexistent
Special Notes: Aaron Paul was in a Corn Pops commercial.

• Sugar Smacks

Ranking: 28
Can you eat it without milk: Hell no
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Does it look like pellets of hamster shit: Yes
Potential: Low
Special Notes: The frog’s name is Diggum.

• Count Chocula

Ranking: 27
Can you eat it without milk: Absolutely not
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Does it have a mascot that haunts your nightmares: Yes
Are the marshmallows a billion times worse than the Lucky Charms marshmallows:  Yes
Potential: High
Special Notes: Count Chocula is awful and I seriously have no clue why people like it.  Also, it’s seasonal.

• Gorilla Munch

Ranking: 26
Can you eat it without milk: No
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Low-Medium
Is the mascot hideous to look at: Yes
Potential: Low
Special Notes: I do not think it’s a Trader Joe’s exclusive, but it might as well be.

• Frosted Cheerios

Ranking: 25
Can you eat it without milk: Decently
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: High
Special Notes: This is way worse than it should be.  I really don’t understand what went wrong here.

• French Toast Crunch

Ranking: 24
Can you eat it without milk: No
Can you eat it without wanting to die:  No
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Yes
Potential: Negative One Million
Special Notes: Chef Wendell really lost his mind here.  It’s shocking to believe that this garbage is in the same category as Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

• Cheerios

Ranking: 23
Can you eat it without milk: Yes
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: Medium
Special Notes: No, this is not a mistake.  Cheerios are pretty stupid, and there’s no reason to buy them when Honey Nut Cheerios exist.

• Fruity Pebbles

Ranking: 22
Can you eat it without milk: Under no circumstances
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: I have absolutely no idea
Unpleasant surprises: There are a bazillion pebbles in each box, and the already small pieces get smashed into smaller pieces.
Without them would Fred Flinstone have fallen off the face of the earth: Probably
Do I sometimes suspect Fred Flinstone is a real person who is funding this cereal just to keep himself in the public eye: Sometimes
Special Notes: I don’t really get why people like these.  And that multi-colored fruity milk you have afterwards is barf city.

• Golden Grahams

Ranking: 21
Can you eat it without milk: In moderation
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Did this particular box once advertise Star Wars and racing at the same time: Yes
Potential: High
Special Notes: Golden Grahams aren’t bad, honestly.  They’re just very bland, so there’s a lot of things that are better.

• Froot Loops

Ranking: 20
Can you eat it without milk: Sometimes
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Medium
Potential: High
Thing I just noticed: Fruit is spelled “Froot”
Is the mascot extremely overrated: Yes
Special Notes: Apparently, each loop is the same flavor.

• Special K

Ranking: 19
Can you eat it without milk: Don’t you dare
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Is that a picture of the Special K box: No, but this came up when I Googled it
Potential: Very low
Special Notes: Special K is actually not bad.  I’m surprised to say it.

• Trix

Ranking: 18
Can you eat it without milk: No
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Low-Medium
Is the Trix rabbit one of the most obnoxious mascots: Results TBA
Potential: 6
Special Notes: Trix is a top 20 cereal.  It’s lasted through the years, and I’m a fan of how the fruit actually tastes different.

• Corn Flakes

Ranking: 17
Can you eat it without milk: Yes, and you can bake shit with it
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: Extremely low
Does the founder of Kellogg’s look like a terrifying mad scientist: Yes
Special Notes: Corn Flakes are a god damn classic.  They’re simple, they’re delicious, and they’ve been around forever.  Also, the mascot – Cornelius “Corny” Rooster – hasn’t really changed much over the years and that’s charming to me.

• Boo Berry

Ranking: 16
Can you eat it without milk: No
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Did the old Boo Berry mascot seem to have a Valium problem: Yes
Potential: Low
Special Notes: I have no idea why Boo Berry is so much better than Count Chocula since it’s practically the same thing except with a fake blueberry taste.  It sure doesn’t taste like blueberry at all, but it’s very good, and the marshmallows are Lucky Charms quality.

• Honeycomb

Ranking: 15
Can you eat it without milk: Yes
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Is the mascot a fucking nightmare creature: Yes
Potential: High
Special Notes: Honeycomb is very good.  Every single thing about the advertising is super awful though, so it says a lot about the cereal that I can still enjoy it with that horrifying caveman of a mascot screaming, “ME WANT HONEYCOMB” in my face.

• Lucky Charms

Ranking: 14
Can you eat it without milk: Not ever
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Does it have the most offensive mascot : No
Post-cereal milk: Horrifying
Potential: Impossible to determine
Special Notes: It might surprise people that Lucky Charms didn’t make the top 10.  It simply suffers from the fact that it doesn’t hold up to how good it was when I was a kid.  But it does set the bar for cereal marshmallows.

• Cocoa Krispies

Ranking: 13
Can you eat it without milk: Debatable
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: High
Thing I’m not sure if everybody already knows, or I have just always thought this was secret information: The Rice Krispies’ guys names are Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
Special Notes: This is the same cereal as Cocoa Pops, with the monkey.  I did not know that until right now.  I also found out that Cocoa Pops is a foreign version of the cereal, so how the hell did I even know about it?  Were my parents importing cereal for me?

• Cap’n Crunch

Ranking: 12
Can you eat it without milk: Debatable
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: It’s like eating thumbtacks
Potential: Medium
Thing I found when I was Googling Cap’n Crunch: This
Special Notes: A non-Top 10 rating for the Cap might outrage people a lot, especially when they see what I ranked as 9, but this is how it has to be.  The Cap is great, but he’s not the best.  Also he always turns people’s shit into cereal and that’s just rude.

• Apple Jacks

Ranking: 11
Can you eat it without milk: Yes
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: A huge mystery
Do they taste like apple: No
Does that question dominate every god damn commercial:  Yes
Special Notes: Apple Jacks are very good.  They don’t taste like apple, or cinnamon, but I don’t care.  The one problem though, is that they leave ten billion radioactive looking flecks in your milk and it’s quite offputting.

• Crunch Berries

Ranking: 10
Can you eat it without milk: Yes, also has baking potential
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Less than regular Cap’n, but is still sharp as daggers
Potential: Medium
Special Notes: I find almost every Cap’n Crunch product to be better than regular Cap’n.  The “berries” are the best tasting fruity cereal around.  Well done, Cap’n.

• Rice Krispies

Ranking: 9
Can you eat it without milk: You’re weird if you do
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: Insanely low
Mascot notes:  I think this is the only cereal with an ensemble cast as its mascot.  I also have no idea what species they are.  Humans?  Elves?  Canadians? 
Special Notes: Perhaps the most classic of all breakfast cereal.  You pour some sugar on top of a bowl of that shit and baby, you got a stew goin’.

• Cocoa Puffs

Ranking: 8
Can you eat it without milk: Absolutely
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: High
Does it produce the dopest post-cereal milk: Yes.  Because it’s pretty much just chocolate milk. 
Special Notes: Jesse notes that most cereal mascots seem to have a substance-abuse problem with the cereal they advertise – except Sonny.  Like, he’s kookoo for them, but he’s trying to kick the shit.  And all those dumb kids spend their whole life just trying to get him to fall off the wagon.

• Peanut Butter Crunch

Ranking: 7
Can you eat it without milk: Yes
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No, somehow
Potential: Very high
Special Notes: This is where the Cap’n shines.  Just… well done.  Well.  Done.

• Krave

Ranking: 6
Can you eat it without milk: Yes
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Nope
Potential: Moderate
Is it joke that I put a cereal that’s less than 2 years old in the top 10: No
Special Notes: If you’re surprised about Krave’s ranking, I promise you, I’m more surprised.  A new player in the cereal game, Krave slipped under the radar for a bit and I didn’t hear a thing about it.  Krave is absolutely everything Cookie Crisp wanted to be.  For a new cereal, it understands all the old tricks.  It doesn’t have a stupid name, the flavor is simple and easy to deal with.  Well done, Krave.  Keep doin’ what you’re doing.

• Honey Bunches of Oats

Ranking: 5
Can you eat it without milk: Yes
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: It wouldn’t dare
Potential: Incalculably low
Name notes: This probably has the worst name in all of cereal.  Nothing sounds less appetizing, but they sure figured it out.
Special Notes: I honestly don’t know a single person who doesn’t like HBoO.  The honey clusters themselves are some of the best cereal bits on the market.

• Frosted Flakes

Ranking: 4
Can you eat it without milk: In moderation
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: High
Where did I get this picture: It came up when I Googled Frosted Flakes
Why did somebody make a Nazi-themed version of Frosted Flakes: I have no idea
Wait, is it because it looks like he’s Sieg-Heiling?: Yes, now I get it
Thing I just noticed: It looks as though the full name of FF is “Frosted Flakes of Corn”.  Even on non-Nazi boxes.
Special Notes: Frosted Flakes are a f*cking grand slam.  They’re perfectly crunchy, sugary but not overly sweet, and they make your milk taste good without being gross.  I mean, really.  They’re great.

• Honey Nut Cheerios

Ranking: 3
Can you eat it without milk: Yes
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Sure doesn’t
Potential: Low, considering how lame regular Cheerios are
Mascot notes: His name is BuzzBee, which is shockingly uncreative.  He’s also one of the more obnoxious mascots in cereal.
Special Notes: It’s legitimately weird how much better Honey Nut Cheerios are than Cheerios.  It’s like they’re two different companies or something.  In any regard, HNC are doing something right, and I’m blown away every time I eat them.  AND THEY EVEN [can help] LOWER YOUR CHOLESTEROL.

• Reese’s Puffs

Ranking: 2
Can you eat it without milk: You simply must
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: No
Potential: Very high
AND MY MOUTH WAS LIKE: WOOOOAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
Special Notes: Cocoa Puffs?  Great.  Peanut Butter Crunch?  Better.  Combine ’em?  Reese’s Puffs.  They’re terrific.  Peanut butter and chocolate are a godly combination, and Reese’s Puffs are everything that’s great about eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup, except for breakfast, and you get to shout “CANDY? FOR BREAKFAST?!?” at literally anybody that’s near you.

[and the number one cereal]

• Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Ranking: 1
Can you eat it without milk: I have eaten entire boxes in one sitting
Does it tear the roof of your mouth to shreds: Pshhh, not ever
Potential: Very high
Did some dudes record a rap about it: Yes
Did I make a 9 foot tall box of CTC in high school for a school project: Yes
Can you convince me there is a better cereal: Definitely not
Will I one day own a Basset Hound named Chef Wendell: Yes
Will I own two other identical Basset Hounds named Nickelback Dog and Flavortown: Yes
Special Notes: Cinnamon Motherf*cking Toast Crunch.  It’s perfect.  It’s flawless.  I’m literally eating it right now as I type this.  It’s the only cereal that when it gets soggy it’s still great.  Soggy CTC is still better than perfectly crunchy Cheerios.  General Mills really knocked it out of the park here.  It’s the absolute best cereal on the market.

– – –

Cereals I’ve never had (but heard of), ranked by how appealing they sound:

• Grape-Nuts

Ranking: Yuck.  It’s really a terrible name and it sounds awful.  Though this extremely modern box does seem to come with personalized stationary for whatever reason.  AND HOPEFULLY IT COMES WITH THAT SMOKIN’ HOT BABE AMIRITE-

• Chocolate Cheerios

Ranking: No idea.  No middle ground here.  This is either great or absolutely awful.  I don’t like how the rings are different colors.

• Cracker Jack Cereal

Ranking: There’s no way this could be good.  Popcorn shouldn’t be in drenched in milk.  And if it doesn’t taste like popcorn, that leads me to believe that it tastes like Sugar Smacks except with gross caramel coating.  Eff that.

• Alpha-Bits

Ranking: I’ll talk about this particular box, right off the bat.  I have absolutely no idea what is going on here.  I don’t know if it’s fake.  I don’t know if it’s real.  I don’t know what a Free Colorless Green Idea, Sleeping Furiously is.  If it is a joke, I sure don’t get it, nor can I name what type of humor it is.  This seems like utter nonsense.
Beyond this box, I have to say I can understand why people might like Alpha Bits.  I’m a fan of a simple cereal that isn’t overly sweet.  I just find it hard to believe that A) all the letters are completely intact in each box, and B) it’s easy to spell anything.  Seems like a lot of work.  And even when you do, what’s to stop your letters from drifting away into the sea of milk?  I’ll have to investigate further.

• Bran Flakes

Ranking: This has the worst name in all of of cereal.  This is big-time yuck.  Any cereal where the picture suggests you add things to it can’t be good.  Also.  Bran.  BLAH.

• Eggo Cereal

Ranking: I’m open to this.  I’m a fan of waffles in the real world, and I’m intrigued by the concept of maple syrup flavoring.  Don’t know how well that would work with milk though.

• Jurassic Park Crunch

Ranking: This isn’t a lie, I legitimately do remember this existing.  “Prehistoric marshmallow shapes” is hardly specific enough for me to want to eat them though.  Another thing I’d like to point out is that apparently there was a contest where if your box “roared” you could win something.  As far as I’m concerned, that’s terrifying, and also seems easy to win.  Just press your ear up against all the boxes in the supermarket and hear which one is “roaring”.  Though if it’s an actual roar, I would imagine you could hear it from like, outside the supermarket?  Okay, I need to step away from this one.  My brain is spinning too fast right now.

• Kashi

Ranking: S a D.  Not ever.

• Life

Ranking: People say this is good, but I don’t know how that could be true.  It looks way gross.  Is it related to the board game?  That’d be something.  A board game-cereal cross-over.  Like Monopoly for example?

• Franken Berry, Frute Brute, & Yummy Mummy

Ranking: In terms of these weird Halloween seasonal cereals, I’ve only gotten to Count Chocula and Boo Berry.  The rest of these dumpos don’t seem appetizing at all.  Also, “frute” is an even dumber way to spell fruit than “froot”.

• Peanut Butter Toast Crunch

Ranking: I want to believe this is good.  I want to believe so hard.  But with all of Chef Wendell’s other failed attempts, I just don’t know.

• Rice Krispies Treats Cereal –

Ranking: This has a lot of potential, but I don’t really know how marshmallows and milk go together.  Also, are they cereal marshmallows?  Or real ones?  Do they even still make this cereal?  I’m extremely willing to try it.  Snap, Crackle, and Pop haven’t done me wrong thus far.

– – –

Cereals I had no idea existed but have phenomenal names:

• Batman Cereal

Because.  Obviously.  Honey-nut is a huge wildcard for a flavor though.  Also, I learned that this company Ralston made a shitload of movie-themed cereals, including but not limited to, “Bill & Tedd’s Excellent Cereal”, “Ghostbusters II Cereal”, and “Urkel-O’s”.  It’s too bad they couldn’t have gotten their hands on Air Force One and made all my childhood dreams come true.

• C-3PO’s

You can bet your boppper I would have loved the hell out of this when I was kid.  I don’t understand the shapes though.  Those don’t look anything like C-3P0.

• Cröonchy Stars

Yes, you are seeing everything correctly.  This seems great, and gets bonus points for pointing out that you don’t need batteries to eat it.

• Good Friends Cereal

Twigs?  The hell are you talking about?  I don’t want twigs in anything I eat, ever.  Another title for this cereal was, “Lesbian Sisters Cereal”, as well as “Tegan and Sara Cereal”.

• Grins & Smiles & Giggles & Laughs

This sounds just delightful.  But I sure have no idea what is going on with this box.  Is that a robot?  Why are these people so effing disproportionate?  WHAT ARE THEY EVEN DOING.  WHERE ARE THEY.

• Kaboom!

I don’t really get it.  Why does “Kaboom” relate to the circus?  This mascot is weird.  This whole cereal is weird.

• Mini Cinnamon Churros

Now that’s using the ole’ noggin.  What a great idea.  Why is this shit discontinued.  This seems so good.  It also politely wants you to “compare to Cinnamon Toast Crunch” which seems like a risky for them to put on the box since there’s no chance this is better.

• Mr. T Cereal

This is just the best.  I hope this was his idea.  Also, don’t worry, this box comes with Mr. T stickers.

• Mr. Wonderful’s Surprize

I don’t even know where to begin with this.  “Only cereal”?  Relax, bro.  Also, what the hell is the cereal on the outside?  It doesn’t even say.  And what on Earth is this mascot supposed to be?  Like, a disco guy?  A clown?  A rapist?  What’s with his periscope for a hat?  And why are they advertising the fact that it comes with a ruler like it’s cool?  A ruler is what you get when the other good prizes are gone.  I hate everything about this.

• O.J.s

This is the worst idea ever.  Also, I have to admit, I originally Googled it hoping that it would be OJ Simpson-themed cereal.  But.  I guess we all get disappointed sometimes.

• Pop-Tarts Crunch

Sign me up.

• Puffa Puffa Rice

For some reason I can’t say this out loud without laughing.  It’s such a silly name.  Sounds like a baby dinosaur is saying it.  I will admit it sounds kind of good, though.  Brown sugar is tight tight tight.

• Quake Quangaroos

I have no idea what’s going on here.  I don’t know what the cereal looks like, what it tastes like, or even how to say it.  I keep trying to say it out loud but my brain keeps stopping me and going, “QUIT TALKING LIKE THAT.”

• Reptar Crunch

Phenomenal slogan.  Phenomenal mascot.  Cereal looks radioactive and I wouldn’t go near it.

 

• Richard Petty 43’s

The whole cereal is literally just 4s and 3s.  It’s very unfair that this cereal can get funded but I am too broke for my own dumb side projects.

• Sir Grapefellow

This is too weird for me.  I don’t get it.  But at least it comes with his Air Car, I guess.

– – –

Here’s thing thing – I could go on.  But this chapter of the Guide is already 100x longer than it should be.

Good night, and good luck.

[Wilder]