Jesse & Wilder's Guide To Life

Not to brag, but I recently got engaged. By far the worst part of being engaged is the endless stream of questions you have to field from people that are almost certainly not invited to your wedding. Amongst said questions, there is one that gets asked without fail:

“When are you going to start having kids?”

My response is always something along the lines of:

“It speaks volumes of your poor judgment that you think that I, Jesse McGrath, am fit to raise another human being.”

But, after verbally abusing my friend and/or loved one, I give them my actual response.

“Probs never, seeing as I despise children,”
“But you’re a teacher! You must love kids!”

Wrong. I got into teaching because I have such an enormous ego that I have tricked myself into thinking I can turn some of these dumb-dumbs into functioning human beings.

But I couldn’t possibly hate ALL children right? What about sweet little precious babies? I must have a spot in my cold, dead heart for them! They are like puppies, but human!

I loathe babies.  Even the sweetest and most preciousist. In fact, I would consider them the worst of the god damn bunch. People lose their shit over babies, and quite frankly, I don’t get it. Before you close this window in disgust, I invite you to hear me out as I illuminate a few of the key reasons why babies are the most overrated thing of all time.

They Don’t Do Any Cool Tricks

Babies, above all else, are BORING. People come into a room with a baby and for some reason the mentality is: better drop everything I was going to do and go talk to this illiterate monster that has spent more of its life inside of a womb than outside of one. This is sure to be very different than every other interaction anyone has had with a baby, ever, in the history of time.

I am not unfamiliar with this reaction, as it is the exact same one that I have when I walk into a situation where there is a dog. There are, as I see it, two fundamental differences between a baby and a dog when it comes to this scenario. The first, is that babies do not do anything of merit. Their only trick is making noise, which, spoiler alert, is the last thing you ever want them to do. It either means they are hungry, sick, tired, or covered in their own excrement. Dogs, on the other hand, can learn any number of tricks. They can shake, roll over, play dead, ride a skateboard, and if they make noise it usually means they are protecting you, or possibly even alerting you that a small (stupid) child has been trapped in a well.

Dog behavior deserves a hero’s treatment. Babies, however, can’t talk, they can’t walk, they get trapped in wells, and they are generally a menace to be around. What are we teaching the youth of America by rewarding such nonsense behavior with special treatment? It needs to stop.

The second big difference between babies and dogs in this situation is that, unlike the ill-mannered baby, the dog is not an ungrateful little turd.

They Don’t Care About You At All

Let me give you a hypothetical scenario, just for funsies. Person A walks into a room and joyously greets person B with a smile and open arms. Person B is unresponsive. Here is the rest of the interaction.

A: Hey buddy!
B: *silent*
A: How are you!
B: *gives person a dirty look*
A: You are just the cutest!
B: *yawns, poops pants, begins to sob*

Two conclusions can be drawn from this interaction. First of all, person A is probably not someone who thrives in social situations, and can clearly not take a hint. Second, person B is a total dick. This is not how humans are supposed to interact.

Allow me to reveal our mystery hypotheticals. Person A is any average Joe like me or you. Person B, and this may come as a surprise to you, is your typical infant human. I don’t want to be a total bummer, but for all of the attention and love you give to babies, they could not care less about you. As a matter of fact, they would probably not even notice your absence if not for the fact that they depend on you to do every single thing ever for them.

They Don’t Even Know How To Live

Almost all newborn animals need some assistance when they first enter this world, this much I will concede. But human babies are a special type of dumb. Whereas most non-human babies take a few months, maybe a year, to become at least sort of self sufficient. Research shows that human baby necks can’t even hold up their big dumb planet sized heads for the first 6 months of their life. FOR HALF OF A YEAR BABIES ARE BASICALLY MARIONETTE PUPPETS WITH SOFTER SKULLS. Oh you didn’t hear? Baby skulls, you know, the thing that protects that chewed up piece of Bazooka Gum that they call a brain, are about as strong as a moist paper towel. Aside from the fact that they are physically unable to sustain their own misproportioned bodies, they seem to lack any true will to live. A baby kitten, even with its sensitive eyes shut in the first days of birth, will poke around to find the teet from which it receives nourishment.  Human infants will do a similar thing, but instead of the part where they search around for their source of food and safety in attempt to stay alive, they will just cry forever and ever until they cease living.

Oh, and make sure not to hold them the wrong way or lay them on the wrong side when you put them in their baby cage, because that could also be fatal.

I should pause to point out that this is not some elaborate “dead baby” joke that I am setting up. I do not wish any ill will on any babies, man or beast, I am simply pointing out that, as far as “survival of the fittest” goes, human babies are decidedly un-fit. Why an adult would want to bear the impossible burden of keeping one of these things alive is beyond me, but those that do and succeed should be given a medal or a statue or at least have a ballad written in their honor because that shit is very impressive.

Final Thoughts

I get (sort of) why people have babies. I suppose one can’t REALLY know until they have one of their own, but the desire to want to create life is, I’m sure, a powerful one. The part that I don’t get, is the obsession people have with other people’sbabies. Anne Geddes has established an incredibly successful career based on the sole idea that people like to look at other people’s babies.

Most will argue that the reason for this is that babies are “cute,” but I think people are confusing the words “cute” and “terrifying.” Just because it’s small doesn’t make it cute. Brown Recluse spiders are pretty small, and they are decidedly un-cute. Not to mention the fact that, much like Brown Recluse spiders, all babies look alike. There is a reason they get mixed up at the hospital. You guys, are we sure that babies aren’t just deformed Brown Recluse spiders?

Babies, unless they sprang from your own loins, are a strange obsession in our culture. From dressing them up in costumes they don’t understand, to the unbearably awful “baby talk” we insist on addressing them with, we, as a society of intelligent life forms, need to take a step back and realize that babies are, in fact, pretty whatevs.