In ancient times, there were two clans. The Cro-Magnons, and okay whatever I’m already over this intro, blah blah blah generic fake history lesson leading into this entry of the Guide.
Point is, as long as there has been man, there has been the battle of cake versus pie. And for some reason, many people think cake is better.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE SO GOD DAMN WRONG.
“Prove it!” you say. “I don’t believe you!“ you say. “I’m really stupid and I pooped my pants!” you say.
Strap in and buckle up. Here comes the Pie Defense.
[POINT ONE, or, FRUIT]
One of the key components of what makes pie different than cake is fruit. And I will take a delicious piece of fruit over that fluffy insulation cake-lovers call filling any day.
It’s honestly crazy to me that people even act like cake is an okay thing to eat. Cake is insane. I also have no idea how people even figured out they could make cake. It’s not like other foods where you’re like, “Oh wow, if you put different berries together they taste good!” Cake seems like it could not possibly have been created by accident.
“Oops, I pre-heated my oven and then mixed lots of flour and sugar and other sweet goodies into a bowl and then accidentally put it in a pan in the oven and baked it all at the perfect heat until it became a delicious fluffy treat!” Ya know, that classic move.
Also insane is how we pretend that cake and pie are even on the same level, in terms of unhealthiness. The fillings of each are vastly different. Like, imagine a guy standing on the street eating an apple. Not weird, right? Okay, now imagine a guy standing on the street holding the inside of a cake. And just gnawing on that like some sort of disgusting space-rabbit. Not the same image. Fruit is so much better as a filling. Much more diverse as well. With cake filling, you get white or brown.
Fruit, I say! Fruit!
[POINT TWO, or, CRUST]
Cake doesn’t have crust.
[POINT THREE, or, FROSTING]
This is an important part of this argument. People say, “But cake has frosting!” They say this as though it has anything to do with anything.
First of all.
Let’s not act like frosting is a deal-breaker. No frosting is that good. It’s dumb to think that a thin layer of frosting can be a complete game-changer for an otherwise boring dessert. I like frosting as much as the next fella, except for maybe this guy who started a whole thread about it, but it doesn’t make the boring mound of fluff beneath it any better. A layer of frosting doesn’t catapult cake into first place.
Let’s not act like you can’t just put frosting on pie if you really love frosting that god damn much. If frosting is sooooooo important to you, just stick it on pie and shut your mouth. Frosting is not exclusive to cake. Do whatever the hell you want with frosting. I don’t care.
If frosting is the only reason people like cake better than pie, than I think that only proves how dumb cake is. Pie doesn’t need some fancy layer of anything on the top of it to make it better. It’s already great. The mere fact that people think cake is good because of the frosting should prove that cake actually sucks a lot and needs an external element to make it good. Pie is self-contained and perfect.
[POINT FOUR, or, ICE CREAM CAKE]
There’s an Olyphant in the room right now, and it’s ice cream cake. I think we can all agree that ice cream cake is godly and delicious and perfect. Almost nobody hates ice cream cake, and I would suspect most cake-lovers love it as much as, if not more than regular cake. But there’s a very obvious answer as to why this is, and I think it helps to prove my overall point.
The reason people flip their dicks over ice cream cake is because it’s made of ice cream.
The cake is literally the worst part of ice cream cake. It really might as well not be there. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the most popular type of cake also contains the least amount of cake.
[POINT FIVE, or, CHOCOLATE]
A common cake-is-better argument I hear is that cake handles chocolate in a much better capacity than pie does.
You can easily add chocolate to pie. In fact, I think we can all agree that chocolate goes with berries very well, and where do we find berries? Pie. A chocolate raspberry pie? Now that’s a beautiful thing.
Internet, pie is better than cake. From the delicious variety of fillings you can have, to the perfectly flaky crust (which can be equally varied), it’s a winner.
[HONORABLE MENTION: CAKE]
As I said, I’ll give it up for ice cream cake. It’s damn good. This, again, is due to its ice cream-ish nature, and not its cake-ish nature. I’ll also give it up for Porto’s’ chocolate raspberry cake. That shit is incredible.
[HONORABLE MENTION: PIE]
I could talk for 80 hours about delicious pies I’ve had. But I’ll limit it to Strawberry Rhubarb, Apple, and Key Lime. And Peach. And Blackberry. And also Cobblers and Crumbles. Okay I’m stopping.
Peanut Butter Pie.
Pie is better than cake, y’all. Rebuttals get at us.
(Illustration by Ezra Edmond)