Jesse & Wilder's Guide To Life

I don’t get the deal with Sam Worthington, you guys.  He’s very whatevs.  He came out of nowhere and starred in three huge movies, one of which is the highest-grossing film of all time, one of which is the most overrated film of all time, and one of which is Avatar, and spoiler alert, all of the things I just described are Avatar.

I really don’t get it.  Why is he so famous?  What brought this dude to A-List celebrity-ship?  And what’s with his hair in Wrath of the Titans?

Let’s go movie by movie and talk about what makes Sam Worthington so whatevs.  I’d like to note that I watched a bunch of Sammy Dubs movies just to properly research this article so you should obviously pay me lots of money or something.

Macbeth

So, this is a movie that exists.  Betcha didn’t know that.  I can’t even describe how dumb this movie is.  I won’t.

Sam Worthington’s ability to do Shakespeare: whatevs

Rogue

Okay so this is a movie about a gigantic killer crocodile, and Sam Worthington is the third billed actor.  It also stars Michael Vartan (AKA the only uninteresting character on Bates Motel) and Radha Mitchell (AKA a poor man’s Charlize).  Sam Worthington looks like this in this movie:

The best part – besides his face and eyes – is the Oregon hat, since this movie takes place in Melbourne.

Rogue follows some people on a sightseeing tour boat as they’re terrorized by a bigass croc.  It’s honestly not as bad as I expected, but at the same time, so much worse than I expected.  I also don’t really get why it’s called Rogue.  That implies that the croc “went rogue” which is dumb because every god damn croc on this Earth has gone rogue.  Ain’t no such thing as a not-rogue croc.  I kind of kept hoping that the lake was full of genetically-modified-to-be-peaceful crocodiles and just this big guy wasn’t having it, so he went rogue.  That didn’t happen.  Whatever.

The huge bummer of Rogue is that Sam Worthington’s barely in this movie, even though he’s third billed.  This may seem like a counter-point to this entire chapter of the Guide, but I wish there was more Sam Worthington.  But this is pretty much only because I expected him to be one of the main characters based on the billing.  He appears for the first time about 15 minutes in and only for a minute or two as a weird and kind of rapey guy.  He shows up again about 45 minutes in, and then dies about 5 minutes after that.  Killed by the god damn croc.

Sam Worthington’s ability to fight crocs:  whatevs

Terminator Salvation

If you were to say “Terminator Salvation starring Christian Bale”, everything you’d just said besides the word “Terminator” would be a lie.  It should be called “Terminator Loud Explosions starring Sam Worthington, with a special appearance by Batman”.

How Worthington went from Rapey Australian Croc Fighter to Centerpiece of the Rebirth of a Huge Franchise, I have no idea.  You could argue that this is the movie Worthington is best in, and I think it’s no coincidence that he plays a robot.  The weird thing about TS is that it totally doesn’t stand on its own in this franchise.  If you haven’t seen the first two, you’ll be lost.  I was about to type “first three” but then I started laughing uncontrollably and got fired from my job.

The point is, Worthington is the best part of this movie by default, because Christian Bale just plays another version of Batman.  You know who would have been a good choice to play John Connor?  The guy who played John Connor.

Sam Worthington’s ability to be a robot and stare longingly at people:  whatevs

Avatar

You guys, I don’t like Avatar.  I know.  I know.  This is blasphemy of the highest order, or whatever.  But I just don’t.  It’s such an unoriginal story.  I liked this movie much better when it was called The Last Samurai.  And Dances With Wolves. And even Pocahontas.  These are such insanely stock characters that it’s impossible for me to connect with any of them.  The script itself is maximum stupid, and the fact that nobody told James Cameron not to name the unobtainable stone “unobtanium” makes me want to kill myself.  And speaking of killing myself, this is a real thing.

It’s crazy to me that Sammy Dubs is the star of the biggest movie of all time.  Avatar should have been nominated for “Best Animated Feature” because let’s not pretend like this isn’t an animated movie.  But whatevs.

Sam Worthington seems to be the only Australian actor on the planet who can’t do accents.  There are countless Australian actors who absolutely kill it in the accent department, and he sure isn’t one of them.  I guess “The Na’vi language was easier than the American accent!“ is a real thing that Sam Worthington said.  That’s dumb.  That shouldn’t be the case.  At all.

It can be argued that Sammo is good in this movie, but he’s also a blue monster who’s emotions were made on a computer.  LOOKS LIKE THE WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW.

Why didn’t the ship just bomb the huge tree from a really high point where all the dragons and shit couldn’t reach it?  Ugh, whatever.  This movie is dumb.

Sam Worthington’s ability to be a 10-foot tall nightmare beast:  whatevs

Clash of the Titans

Ah, the face of a hero.

This movie is just so dumb.  I saw this shit in theaters because I was legitimately excited for it.  Ugh, what a let down.  Nothing that happens in Clash of the Titans makes any sense at all.

Perseus is the worst.  This is by far Sam Worthington’s least likable character.  He’s such a mean guy.  I like the part where he sees Zeus walking through the mountains in a giant cloak, and without knowing who Zeus is, draws his sword, points it at Zeus’ throat, and screams at him.  What if it was just a regular old man out for a stroll?  He could have had a heart attack and died.  Perseus is awesome because he mostly just yells at people and gets his friends killed.

I’ll keep this section short because last year I released an entire video review of how dumb I think Clash of the Titans is.

Sam Worthington’s ability to be a likable Greek hero:  whatevs

Man on a Ledge

There’s Sammy as the titular Man on the titular Ledge.  This is a pretty preposterous movie, and as always, Sam Worthington is very whatevs.  In typical Worthington fashion, he struggles with an American accent the entire time.  At first I wasn’t even sure if he was trying to do one or they were just letting him be an Australian character.

In the first scene of Man on a Ledge, Sam Worthington eats French fries with a fork.  Classic whatevs move.

This entire movie is whatevs.  Almost everything that happens is pretty dumb.  Elizabeth Banks drinks a single cup of coffee for like 100% of the movie.  At 14 minutes in, we are treated to a fat New York police chief actually using the phrase, “man on a ledge” which is wonderful.  My favorite part is when Anthony Mackie commands some random dude near him in the bathroom to get out, and then when the guy looks at him quizzically, Mackie shouts, ‘DID I STUTTER” and shows his gun.  The scene ends there and then it’s never mentioned again.  And then in the last 20 minutes, Worthington becomes Spider-Man and starts jumping from ledge to ledge and scaling buildings.  Also, Genesis Rodriguez dresses like this for a heist:

Sam Worthington’s ability to be a man on a ledge: whatevs

Wrath of the Titans

I’ll be honest.  I didn’t watch this one.

Sam Worthington’s ability to get me to even watch the movie:  whatevs

Sabotage

This is like the dumbest movie ever.  It starts with a video of a woman getting murdered, and then it cuts to eight months later where Sam & The Gang are making fart jokes.  All the characters have names like “Neck” and “Pyro” and “Arnold Schwarzenegger”.

At six minutes in, Sam Worthington, who’s character’s name is “Monster”, and his super gross Monster facial hair start to make out with a pink-haired lady while they’re in the middle of a gunfight.  But at least we’re lucky enough that this movie gets to investigate Monster’s marital issues.

I will say, despite Sammy’s inability to do an American accent yet again, I do respect that he put on a bunch of weight for this role.  Good on ya.  It’s a big bummer when his wife “accidentally” slashes him with a knife and kills him oops spoiler alert.  But then at least we are treated to hearing her say “I’m so sorry Monster, I’m so sorry”.  Which is CRAZY to me that she would use his nickname in that sort of situation.  That’s almost as dumb as if somebody killed somebody who’s nickname was “Monster” and then as they were dying said “I’m so sorry Monster, I’m so sorry.”  Sabotage is the worst.

Sam Worthington’s ability to be fat and bald: whatevs

~~~

I think the real issue here may not be Sam Worthington himself, but the fact that he picks dumbass movies to be in.  Oh well.  In any case, Sam Worthington is whatevs.

–POST SCRIPT-
This is my opinion, you guys.  It’s all in fun.  I’m sure Sam Worthington is a lovely guy, and I have absolutely nothing against him.  I don’t mean to say I’m better than him, or anything of that nature.  He’s a guy who brings a lot of joy and entertainment to people for a living, and that sure is a hell of a lot more than I can say for myself.  Keep on doin’ what you’re doin’, Sam Worthington.  You’re awesome.