I’ll Be Christmasing for Christmas This Christmas: ‘Tis the Season for Love

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Synopsis:
Beth Baker (Sarah Lancaster, from the actually-good show Chuck) is an out-of-work actress who lives in New York City on her friend’s couch. Because she’s so pathetic, her rich-ass friend buys her a plane ticket to return home to the small town of “Kern” that she escaped 10 years before. She reconnects with old high school friends and some other mouth-breathers who all remember her and treat her like the town’s Meryl Streep. She has a really pleasant time at home and falls for some doofus (Brandon Penny) and then tries to ruin it all, but she comes around and everybody lives happily ever after.

Rapid Reaction:

• ‘Tis the Season for Love is one of the most shockingly uncreative titles in the history of movies. Like even for a Hallmark movie, this is absolute horse shit. I think the obvious choice would have been to call it Where the Red Kern Grows.

• There is not a single person of color in the whole movie. Literally not one.

• I have probably never been 100% turned off by a character within the first 45 seconds of hearing them speak before, until this motion picture. Achievement unlocked. She spends about 99% of the movie whining about not being a famous actress. The other 1% is spent kissing. All she does is complain and act like her life is garbage when in reality she is surrounded by family and friends that love her and do anything for her. I have no idea why the bro in this movie falls for her.

• She sleeps on the couch of her friends apartment, even though it is one of the nicest apartments I have ever seen in my entire life, because her friend is a successful actress. So, like, how does she not have a spare bedroom?

• Furthermore, for a super wealthy actress, she sure has nothing at all in her fridge:

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• I’d like to specifically draw your attention to this line (”Thank you for ruining the surprise), which I find to be the worst line reading I have ever heard:

WHY DOES SHE SAY “RUINING” LIKE THAT. HOW DID THIS TAKE MAKE THE FINAL EDIT. GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN.

• When Beth arrives in town, she rides a limo in. For a broke, out-of-work actress, this seems like an excessive thing to take from the airport to your mom’s house.

• There is an Obi-Wan Kenobi type character in this movie in the form of the Santa-for-hire that works at the local Christmas tree farm. He is perhaps the rapiest portrayal of Santa that I have ever seen in a movie. When he beckons Beth and her mom over for the first time, he says creepy things like “Age is just a number” and “I’m in the wish-granting business”. He also leans to the side of the chair like some sort of drunken Roman emperor. And when Beth walks home later that night after the local pub closes (so, like, 12 hours later?) and passes the Christmas tree farm, he is still sitting in his chair like a creepo. And then when Beth tries to talk to him, HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND GIVES HER A MYSTICAL KEY which she hangs by her bed, leading her into oddly prophetic dream sequences. She comes to visit him about four more times throughout the movie, asking advice like he’s the real Santa. This is a grown woman, asking a drunk rapist for advice.

• When Beth goes to the pub with her friends, they all split a pitcher of beer, and she drinks a glass of wine. What a B-word.

• My favorite character for sure is her Jewish New York agent who only cares about money. He is the biggest stereotype I have seen in a very long time. Like, there might as well be a Mexican guy sitting next to him with a bag of oranges and huge sombrero.

• The big twist towards the end is that the person who got the acting part that Beth wanted “”slips on some ice” and now they need a new understudy (did they die?). So, then she has to choose between going back to New York or staying in Kern. Since she’s fallen for the little dipshit in Kern, she suggests he come visit or live in New York and he’s a huge baby about it. HE’S SUCH A LITTLE SKIDMARK. He’s all “wahh wahh wahh, I’m a baby, I pooped my pants”. Hate that guy.

• Also – if she couldn’t afford to fly home in the first place, how does she afford to fly back to New York for the play? And then she flies BACK TO KERN like, the next day. Hm, guess you found the money to afford two last minute Christmas-time (probably double the price of a regular flight) flights.

• The dude in this movie is classic the-sweetest-guy-on-Earth-who-does-nothing-but-shower-Beth-in-compliments-and-be-a-huge-dingus the whole time. He makes my skin crawl. I want to punch his god damn teeth out. Like, at one point he takes her ice skating, because she said that’s something that her dead dad used to take her to do. WHAT A CREEP.

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Final Thoughts:
I guess I didn’t realize what utter trash this movie would be. I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t realize just how bad. The dialogue is only slightly better than The Room. I just don’t know why anybody would like Beth. She has a really great life, and she spends all her time sulking and being pissed about not being famous.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Also, the plot about the mystical key never gets explained. Like, later, Beth tries to return it to Drunk Santa but he says “No, no, no, it’s yours now.” And then she just keeps it and it’s never mentioned again. Are we led to believe this jabronie is the real Santa Claus? He’s like, 100 pounds too light, and also, looks nothing like Santa Claus. The point is, if I ever meet a girl who complains about not being famous more than three times in a day, I’m going to throw her in the Sarlacc Pit.

Favorite Quotes, Taken Out of Context:

• “He walked into the pharmacy. I ducked.”

• “Baker ladies sure are somethin’.”

• “I mean, last night we accomplished the task of making 468 gingerbread cookies.”

• “You’re a charming dude. And a worse wrestler than me.”

• “My thighs wouldn’t have handled it if I stayed.”

• “You think you need a fancy career to have greatness, but greatness comes in all shapes and sizes”

• “Chop chop! And no snacking!”

• “You set Mary’s tree house on fire – but everyone has a dream, right?”

• “I feel like a new person. But at the same time, I feel like myself again.”

• “Occasionally, Principal Hyde takes me out to a nice dinner at the Cobalt Buffet.”

Personal Sanity Outlook:
Not good. This wasn’t a good idea. I need a nap.

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