Avengers are hot AF. We all know this. Let’s take a careful look at the MCU, and power-rank that hotness, ‘cause this world is woefully lacking in the objective judgement of people’s appearances.
• This is a Top 10 ranking, not a ranking of the entire MCU, because ain’t nobody got time for that shit.
• We are ranking the characters, not the actors.
• This is only the MCU, not all of Marvel. Nobody from X-Men because Fox owns them, and nobody from any of the previous Spider-Man movies, because all of those were Sony.
• This is only going from Iron Man to Captain America: Civil War – nothing past that. AKA, nothing from upcoming movies like Doctor Strange.
• This includes the Marvel television world – but again, not Iron Fist because that shit hasn’t been released yet.
PEOPLE THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE LIST AND YOU’RE PROBABLY UPSET, BUT JUST RELAX ABOUT IT ALREADY:
• Rachel McAdams, because Doctor Strange is not out yet. Ugh.
• Zoe Saldana was excluded ‘cause the whole green thing really kills it for me. Sorry ‘bout it.
• Speaking of green, before you ask which Hulk actor I chose from, the answer is neither of them: ‘Ruff and ‘Nort did not make the list. Sorry ‘bout it.
• Don’t curr about Kat Dennings. Sorry ‘bout it.
• Rest assured it was difficult for me not to include characters like Christine Everhart, Elektra, and that super scary Extremis lady. But, ya know. Them’s the berries.
• Benedict Cumberbatch would be excluded even if Doctor Strange was already out because he looks like a god damn alien space mongrel, and if you think he belongs on this list then you are not welcome here on our blog.
Okay let’s git it.
10: Claire Temple
(Daredevil, Jessica Jones)
Claire easily gives the least fucks of anybody in the MCU. Just walkin’ around the city helping out superheroes and being super chill about it all. So busy, yet she still manages to keep it funky fresh. Also: couldn’t be more nonchalant about being homies with two of the dopest people in New York City. Even Luke Cage, who has earthquake-like sex with J-Jones, can’t seem to resist. Yo go, Glen Coco.
9: Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
(Iron Man 2, The Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War)
Y’all are probably surprised by a number 9 ranking for ScarJo: but remember, we’re ranking the characters and not the actors. In the end, BW just didn’t have what it takes to stand up to the likes of the rest of these characters. She is pretty useless for the entirety of Iron Man 2, and she definitely gets minus points for falling in love with Bruce Banner, who is a L-7-weenie – her boner for Bruce also completely cancels out how hot her nutso kung fu is. And before you go crying home to your moms, remember that there are way more than ten characters in the MCU, so just cool it and be thankful she made the Top 10.
8: Peter Quill / Star-Lord
(Guardians of the Galaxy)
Loooooooook at that guy. The jacket alone might be the secret to his success, but don’t forget the guy can rock. He’s also a huge player – he manages to woo a hardened assassin who hates him the second she meets him. And don’t get me started on his sexy retro style. Pete’s still rockin’ a walkman. What a dude. *Slow clap*
7: Wanda Maximoff / Scarlet Witch
(Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War)
Foreign accent? Check. Super hot witch pendants? Check. Revealing outfit, no matter the situation? Check. Also she has mind control, so, however hot she wants you to find her will be exactly how hot you find her. And don’t forget that she can fly, so talk about a nice evening out with your girlfriend as she takes you soaring across the planet. Maybe don’t break up with her though, because of that whole on-demand-nightmares thing.
6: Agent Peggy Carter
(Captain America, Agent Carter)
This was a tough one. It doesn’t feel right in my heart to put Pegasaurus this low on the list but when it came down to it, I just didn’t have the heart to rank her higher than anybody in the Top 5. The real deciding factor here was ole Father Time – we know that Peggy eventually becomes a weak old lady, and because of that she simply can’t top Hope. But despite her eventually old, frail bones, she kicks a copious amount of ass – and that red dress? FORGET ABOUT IT.
5: Hope Van Dyne / Wasp
Her ‘tude is absolutely untouchable, and she can also woop your ass. When she punches Scott square in the jaw and says, “That’s how you punch”, it’s a trip to Bonertown, USA for everybody involved. Her weird, 40s Russian spy hair? Don’t even care. Still so hot. And definitely bonus points for the fact that soon she’ll suit up as the Wasp and start woopin’ even more ass. Hope Van Dyne all damn day.
4: Steve Rogers / Captain America
(Captain America, The Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War)
This was another tough one for me. By all means, you’d think Cap belongs in the Top 3, but this is a hotness ranking, and not a Who’d-Be-The-Best-Husband ranking. He lacks that certain bad-boy ‘mmph’ that the Top 3 had, and that’s ultimately what brought him down to #4. However, we can all agree that that body of his is simply not of this galaxy. When Peggy touches his chest after he steps out? That was apparently the real-life reaction of Hayley Atwell, because she had not yet seen Chris Evans in his full glory. That’s big-time. Also, how ‘bout when Natasha asks him if their kiss was his first since 1945 – he reminds her that he’s “not dead”. YOU CAN BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY HE’S BEEN MACKIN’ ON SOME SWEET CHICKY BABES.
3: Scott Lang / Ant-Man
(Ant-Man, Captain America: Civil War)
This right here, is the bad-boy that the Star-Spangled Man just can’t top for me. Scott is a criminal, already been married once, and also a super-dope parkour master who can steal just about anything – plus, the man’s been in the slamma like MC Hamma. In fact, he’s the only guy who’s been straight up recruited to be a superhero because of his street cred. And let’s be real. That jawline? That stubble? That bod? He even manages to woo mean ole’ Hope. Scott Lang, y’all. Scott. Lang.
(Thor, Thor: The Dark World)
Asgard sure knows how to make ‘em. Sif is hot in every sense of the word. She’s got that whole Elf warrior thing going on, which has never not been hot. Throw her I-Just-Got-Done-Having-Amazing-Sex hair into the mix. I assume there are not many eyebrow salons on Asgard, so check out those au-naturale eyebrows. She’s also such a good fighter that she even gets pissed when Thor shows up to help fight that big battle in The Dark World. She’s probably rejecting dudes right and left. I bet that dickhead Fandral tried to get himself some Sif. I bet she sack tapped him and walked away without a word.
(Thor, The Avengers, Thor: The Dark World, Avengers: Age of Ultron)
In the end, it was never really even a question. It was always Thor. Look at that guy. JUST LOOK AT THAT GUY. He wields mew-mew for chrissake. Too bad he’s all about Jane and not Sif because they would have some nutso-out-of-this-world children (Also the fact that he just blows by her kind of makes him hotter STILL). Look at his hair. Fresh from battle. The only person ever to look good in a cape. Extra bonus: he might be the only one of the Avengers that just happens to be naturally sexy because everybody else is from Earth and puts a lot of effort into making themselves look good. Bro doesn’t use hair gel. Thor is the OG “I woke up like this”.
As we can see, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has the hottest characters of every shared universe.
Step at me, X-Men.