The Olympics are so god damn dope. This is true for several reasons, but the best way to sum it up is with the following anecdote:
I went to a bar by myself before noon yesterday, a Wednesday, with no specific goal in mind other than to watch some of the games. I didn’t know what was on or what America was doing, I just had nothing else planned and knew I wouldn’t be disappointed. So I ended up watching some quarter-finals archery match (Duel? Bout? Idk.) between two nations that I have zero connection to, and one of them sealed a victory by hitting a bullseye. I pumped my fist and exclaimed “NICE” and high fived the stranger next to me. Then that guy bought me a shot and we talked about rugby for like half an hour. Olympics made archery exciting, and they also made me a new best friend.
The other reason the Olympics are so cool is that Olympians are basically the closest thing we have to real life superheroes. The entire USA Women’s Gymnastic team, for example, is just a murderer’s row of flips and spins and perfect landings and you just watch them in awe and before you can exhale they have already decapitated you with their balance and grace. Katie Ledecky is a better swimmer than Harry Potter when Harry eats the Gillyweed that makes him grow fins and gills and shit. He is a fictional character that has the aid of magic and Ledecky would still 100% slay that nerd. They are absolutely the apex of athletic achievement. Most humans will never do anything as well as Olympians do their Olympic thing. I say all of that so that I can say this:
With all due respect to the hard work and talent of these individuals, I would beat the shit out of any of them in Mario Kart.
I’m nothing if not petty, and if I have to hear for three weeks about how great a bunch of people are (even if said people are actually very great, and definitely deserve the praise they are receiving), then my natural response is going to be “Yeah, but why don’t you let Mikey Phelps come over here and catch these hands in some 150cc.”
MICHAEL PHELPS, I, JESSE MCGRATH, FORMALLY CHALLENGE YOU TO A GAME OF MARIO KART.
Michael Phelps has proven without a shadow of a doubt that he is the greatest Olympian of all time. A true patriot and a competitor the likes of which the world has never seen. But has he even once proven that he can beat me at Mario Kart? I don’t even really play that much Mario Kart, but I will use tilt controls and let him pick all the stages and I will still bury him. If (when) I win, I get to keep his least favorite Olympic medal. It is mine forever. I will wear it always. If he wins (lol), I will get his face tattooed on my back. That seems more than fair. If I don’t hear from Phelps, I will assume he is intimidated and it will be considered a forfeit.