Hello, Karsta. Allow me to introduce you to you: you are an American Olympic volleyball player, currently playing in the Rio 2016 games. Since you are an Olympian, by definition you are one of the greatest volleyball players in the entire world. You stand 6 foot 4 inches tall and you play a position called “Opposite”, which I guess is a thing.
Now allow me to introduce you to me: I am Wilder Shaw. Sometimes people pay me to write about tacos.
As you wander around Olympic Village this season, you’re probably wondering to yourself, “Karsta, where the REAL dudes at?” (You wonder to yourself in the third person) No doubt you’re sick to death of all the Olympian pole vaulters, soccer players, and weightlifters running around the Village, hawking their wares. What do those guys even have to offer? I bet those nerds could barely even write a single essay about Desmond Hume’s character arcs on LOST.
I, Wilder Shaw, propose that we go on a date.
• I can name over 5 types of penguins
• In 3rd Grade I correctly guessed the amount of M&Ms in a glass Christmas tree
• I can still sing some of the Animaniacs songs
• One time I ate a 1 pound donut
• I can slice cucumbers really thin
• I am better than you at karaoke (I’ve never seen you do karaoke, but my dear sweet Karsta, you’re simply no match for me when I bust some Alanis Morissette)
We could play some volleyball on our date, if you wanted. I would even let you win because I am that kind of guy, and also I have never played volleyball before and you are an Olympic volleyball player who is 4 inches taller than me.
Reasons I would be a good date:
• I mostly never fall down onto the ground when I am focusing very hard on walking without falling down onto the ground
• I get most of my clothes at Target, so you know I will be looking fly as hell
• I will try so so so so so hard not spill salsa on my shirt (we’re having tacos on our date)
• I would not make fun of you for being worse at karaoke than me (we’re doing karaoke on our date)
Things you may be concerned about /// My rebuttal to those concerns:
• You have no idea who I am /// I’m Wilder, and I like tacos and karaoke
• I am 4 years older than you /// AGE IS JUST A NUMBER OKAY
• You might feel embarrassed to talk about penguins with me because now you know that I know so many different kinds /// I promise to teach you more types of penguins
• You might already have a boyfriend/many different suitors /// I will challenge him to a duel on the peak of the highest mountaintop
• You don’t like tacos /// Actually if you don’t like tacos this won’t work out
So, whatchu think Karsta? Wanna have the best night of your life with a cucumber-lovin’ guy like me? Please let me know by contacting me here. If I don’t hear from you, I will assume that you have been kindapped by the Yakuza and I will begin my rescue mission toot sweet.